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DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE INTERVIEWER (I) WHO STOPPED A WOMAN (W) ON THE STREET AND ASKED HER IF SHE WOULDN'T MIND IF HE ASKED HER A FEW QUESTIONS ABOUT HER HUSBAND....W SAID "WHY I DON'T MIND AT ALL."
I~~~Lady, if your husband predeceased you, would you remarry?
W---Why yes, I would.
I~~~And would you stay in the same house?
W~~~Why yes we would.
I~~~And would you sleep in the same bed?
W~~~Why yes, we would.
I~~~And would your new husband use your deceased husband's golf clubs?
W~~~Absolutely not! My husband is left=handed~+_+~
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OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF BABES...
was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home
alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. When Heidi started to go into
labor she called "911." Due to a power outage at the time, only one
paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark so the
paramedic asked Katelyn to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could
see while he helped deliver the baby.> Very diligently, Katelyn did as she
was asked. Heidi pushed and pushed, and after a little while Connor was
born. The paramedic lifted him by his feet, and spanked him on his bottom.
Connor began to cry. The paramedic then thanked Katelyn for her help,
asked the wide-eyed 3 year old Katelyn what she thought about what she had
just witnessed.Katelyn quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in
there in the first place. Spank him again!"
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What is Politics?
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is Politics?"
Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm
the head of the family, so call me The President.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her
the Government.
We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People.
The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now think
about that and see if it makes sense."
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets
up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled
his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds
his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the
nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole
and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes
back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, "Dad, I
think I understand the concept of politics now."
The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you
think politics is all about."
The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working
Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being
ignored and the Future is in deep shit."
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AN OMINOUS NOTE ABOUT SOME WOMEN (BELOW):
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were three finalists, two men and a woman.
For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!" The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried,
but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said, "This damned gun is loaded with blanks! I had to beat the son-of-a-bitch to death with the chair."
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WHY IS RODNEY DANGERFIELD SO-SO INSECURE? SEE BELOW:
Dangerfield's 21 Best One-Liners
>
> 1. I was so poor growing up ... if I wasn't a boy ... I'd have had
> nothing to play with.
>
> 2. A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over nobody's
> home. "I went over." "Nobody was home".
>
> 3. During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the
> other night she called me from a hotel.
>
> 4. One day I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging
> naked. I said to the guy, "Hey buddy, why are you doing that?" He
> said "Because you came home early."
>
> 5. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put a shirt on
> and button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came
> off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
>
> 6. I was such an ugly kid...When I played in the sandbox, the cat
> kept covering me up.
>
> 7. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and
> radio.
>
> 8. I was such an ugly baby...My mother never breast fed me. She told
> me that she only liked me as a friend.
>
> 9. I'm so ugly...My father carries around a picture of the kid who
> came with his wallet.
>
> 10. When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said
> to my father, "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled
> through."
>
> 11. I'm so ugly...My mother had morning sickness...AFTER I was born.
>
> 12. I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece
> of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
>
> 13. Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help
> me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find
> them?" He said,"I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
>
> 14. My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
>
> 15. I'm so ugly...I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big
> I'd get.
>
> 16. I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up
> and I look in the mirror...I feel like throwing up; What's wrong
> with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
>
> 17. I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping
> pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
>
> 18. With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my
> kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
>
> 19.Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room he leaves
> a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on
> the paper four times. Three of those times I was reading it.
> 20. One year they wanted to make me poster boy for birth control.
>
> 21. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap. He was
> in the electric chair.
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